My annoying self

For those who don’t know me, I am the most indecisive person you will probably ever meet (something I’m definitely not proud of). I hate taking decisions, for mainly one reason i.e. I don’t want to go wrong. I try to guarantee the success of that decision before taking it, which is in most cases not possible. 

Recently, I applied and got into a supposedly better school compared to my previous school. However, it came with its own disadvantages – new environment, new people, new teachers. I had 2 whole weeks to make a decision i.e. 336 hours! But yet, I ended up taking the final decision on the last day. I kept going back and forth and back and forth… Questions kept popping into my head ( what if?) – things I had absolutely no control of. I was at crossroads. This decision would define the next 2 years of my life, the 2 most important years before I go to college. Even thinking about it became daunting, exhausting, endless. It was this heavy weight sitting on my shoulder, refusing to leave no matter how hard I tried to forget it. I knew I needed to make the decision soon. I started counting down the days, but my decision making process remained stagnant. Everyone I talked to, including my parents, said the same thing – “It’s your decision” – and when I heard these words, I gave out a loud hopeless sigh. I knew they were right, but that wasn’t helping. I even tried tossing a coin. On the last day, things suddenly became clear to me. I was still confused, but I decided to push myself out of the comfort zone that surrounded me for the last 6 years. I decided to shift schools. My mom was so frustrated with my inability to make a decision that she sent the confirmation mail immediately before I could change my mind. For the next 2 days, I regretted my decision, as expected. But now, finally,  I’m at peace with it. As time passes, my anxiety and excitement of moving to a new, better school is growing – some days, one greater than the other. 

I want to be someone who takes risks, who takes chances, who isn’t always worried about the future. Unfortunately, it’s easier said than done, especially because by nature I’m the complete opposite. I like to be prepared, to know what’s ahead of me, to feel ready all the time. To a certain extent, this frustrating habit of mine holds me back from new experiences and creations. I built these protective walls around me, and it’s time I tear them down. I guess this is one of those steps.